Dear Chicago-

I really miss you today. I’ve been feeling kinda homesick for you, my old apartment, and the lake. I miss being able to walk where I needed to go. I can’t do that here. I’m usually stuck at home all day, and that makes me miss you more. Once I get a job I will fly out to see you again.

xoxo
yours truly, the former Chicagoan

Dear FatCat,

Could you kindly FUCK OFF with your digestive pyrotechnics in the middle of the night?? I can’t tell if you are attempting to be bulimic to slim down your chubby physique or if you hoard so much food you can’t take it. Whatever the reason, let’s get this under control before we move into our new house that has BRAND NEW CARPET. Capisce?

xoxo
Your annoyed owner

Dear Abs,

We worked out together yesterday & today you’re sore. *High Five* Let’s keep up the good work, eh? I’d like a chiseled stomach by my wedding.

xoxo
Recently jumped back on the fitness bandwagon

Dear Calves,

You, on the other hand, are disappointing me.  We went for a run yesterday and you were all “Ew, what is this? Pavement? We don’t RUN on pavement?” and “inclines? psh, forget about it sister. Try it and we’ll make you sorry”. So you forced me to cut my run in half, and now I’m blaming you for the fact that my pants I was planning to wear on an interview no longer fit. Suck it up, there’s gonna be a lot more running in your future.

xoxo
C25K parcipant

Dear dreams,

I’m already stressed enough about my wedding, and I don’t need you throwing in extra stress. This dreaming of ways my wedding could go horribly wrong has got to stop. Thanks to you, I am now concerned with not being able to find my shoes, my mom picking up the wrong tuxes and bringing back the orange ruffled messes a la dumb & dumber, my cake being featured on cakewrecks, not making it to the church on time and having the priest refuse to marry us, and my bridesmaids not caring about throwing me a shower. Oh wait- that last one DID happen. You’re off the hook for that. But still, can’t we dream about peace & tranquility and lying on a beach? Let’s work on that.

xoxo
restless sleeper

Dear Blog:

Please don’t feel abandoned, I promise I still love you. To be honest, I’m just tired. I promise to shower you with love and attention the rest of the week.

****************

Dear Life:

Whoa… Slow down!!! Like really, is summer seriously almost over? Am I really doing my Pre-Cana class on Saturday already? And I just realized I’ll be in Pittsburgh in less than 2 weeks- meeting with the (prospective) photographer, a trip to the family jeweler, and I get to try on my dress for the first time. MY. ACTUAL. DRESS. Let’s just take a weekend and chill in PJ’s. Deal??

****************

Dear Cat:

Thank you for tearing open the bag of cat food on the counter, FATTY. Also, gorging yourself so much that you throw up all over the bag was a nice touch. You are totally beating me in the sloth department, so congratulations. Good thing I have my awesome fiancé to clean it up for me.

****************

Dear Fiancé:

Thank you for cleaning up the cat puke, even though you left her food out and you know she can’t contain herself. You pretty much deserved to clean it up. But thanks anyway. And thanks for trying to make breakfast for dinner but burnt the bacon. It’s the thought that counts.