Decisions. They define everyone, by the choices we make. I was ecstatic to move to Chicago. I fell in love with it shortly after falling in love with the boy. I decided to give up everything to be here, to be with him.

I’d be lying if I said it was easy. When is anything ever easy? Almost a month later, and I still have no job. It’s not for lack of trying. Living on hopes only lasts so long. I lie awake every night wondering if tomorrow is going to be the day that things change. If tomorrow is going to be the day I get the call. But tomorrow still has not come. It’s like groundhog’s day and I can’t stop it.

Things with the boy have been great fortunately. He’s my stability. I question though how long he can take that sort of burden. That’s a great weight to bear, to be everything to someone. Integration with his friends hasn’t gone smoothly at all. Around them I seem to be invisible. As if I’m not even there, as if I don’t exist. My biggest fear is that it will put a strain on my relationship. No one can tolerate that kind of pressure for long. Eventually, sides will be staked and a choice will have to be made. I don’t want to be on the losing side. I would be losing so much more than they would. I would be losing everything.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. But I don’t think I could ever go back. Things wouldn’t be the same. I would feel like the ghost of myself, doing things out of routine instead of want. Instead I’ll wander these unfamiliar streets and try to keep my hopes up. Hope that tomorrow will be the day. Hope that love really is enough.